Dolphin-assisted birth is a thing (and probably my most favorite thing, if I’m going to be completely honest).
Look it up. Take it in. Ponder the future deliveries in your life and how you may or may not have to jump in on this trend before it takes off. Select the pod of dolphins with whom you feel metaphysically connected. Get on the waiting list early (I hear its about as tough to snag a spot as it is to weasel your 5-year-old into uppity NYC kindergarten).
The process of dolphin-assisted birth itself could be construed as pre-emptive endangerment of your child, but if you skim over that little detail, there are some fun advantages:
1. This is a two-in-one scenario, really. Not only do you have a water birth, which is apparently a steller experience, but you simultaneously get to introduce your infant to species diversity from day one. Can you imagine what a world this would be, had Michael Vick been welcomed with open fins and dolphin cackles?
2. Dolphins embraced alternative lifestyles long before our contemporary debates on homosexuality. So, not only will your child’s first earthly encounter be the face of an aquatic creature, it very well may be the face of a gay aquatic creature, immediately normalizing same-sex attraction in the eyes of your tiny tot. Props to you for essentially abolishing the possibility that your kid will, 50 years down the line, turn into Pat Robertson.
3. You have the opportunity for some prime disney reenactments right here. Watch this video:
Visualize this Lion King scene:
And put the two together! You’re welcome.
(Don’t sue me.)